How to Write a Letter to Your Cheating Husband That Expresses Your Feelings And Gets Results

Published: 05th January 2012
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Question:

My husband cheated on me and I feel so betrayed and angry with him. Is there a way that I can tell him how I feel without lashing out at him and pushing him farther away from me?

Answer:

If youíre struggling to deal with your husband's affair or cheating ways, you're not alone. Many women say they feel alone and don't know what to do next. Writing a letter to your husband is a great place to start sorting out your emotions and dealing with your pain. But be careful when writing the letter because most likely your feelings will change towards your husband in the coming weeks and months. Also, the letter you write will set the tone for your recovery. And as has happened before, letters like this usually lead to hurt feelings and misunderstandings between couples.

However, I understand your reasoning for wanting to write a letter. Often times, it's difficult to put hard feelings into words. And usually what ends up happening to us is we break down and choke up when we're trying to express our thoughts and feelings. So naturally it makes sense that we would want to write down our thoughts and feelings instead. Now I can't write the letter for you, but I can give you an idea of what to say.

Using a Letter to Release Your Thoughts about the Affair

The first letter you write may not even necessarily go to your husband. Many women find this extremely beneficial because they get to privately express repressed and hurt feelings. In fact I encourage you to do this. If you don't want to write a letter to your husband that's alright. However I feel that a private letter to yourself, one that no one sees, is essential, so I recommend writing that if nothing else.

The value behind writing this kind of letter is that you can let loose and not worry about how your words are going to be viewed by your husband.

After the letter has been written, it's a good idea to hide it or better yet, burn it because it's not meant for anyone but you. Since you're the only one reading the letter, don't hold back, let it all out. Go crazy and let it all out and then put the letter away where no one can find it. The letter is a way for you to release your trapped feelings inside you, it's not meant to be shared with anyone else. Now that we've talked about the letter you write to yourself, let's look at the kind of letter you should write for your husband.

The Purpose Behind Your Letter

Before writing your letter to your husband, take a minute to think about the purpose behind it. What do you want your husband to take away after he reads it?

A lot of women write letters with the intention of making their husbands feel guilty or ashamed about their actions. They're trying to get their husbands to understand how much pain and anger the affair caused. They want to give him a small glimpse into their lives so he can see the far reaching after effects of his affair.

I completely understand your rational. But this is why you really need to examine you intent when you write the letter. Women may not admit this to themselves, but the underlying issue behind writing letters is to improve the situation. Women hope that as their husbands read the words of the letter, they'll understand how their actions affected their lives and pledge to never cheat again.

The problem is that it usually has the opposite effect. It's true that the letter will make your husband feel guilty. But may husbands also see the letter as a continuation of things. In response to this type of letter, most men will usually say something like:

" she's not telling me anything I haven't already heard or don't already know.

I get it! I screwed up. But why do we need to keep going around in circles?

Iíve already told her that I was sorry and want to save the marriage. So how does her letter change things? All she's done is written down a conversation that we've already had? All this tells me is that I've let her down and disappointed her and she's just trying to rub it in. But we already know that. It's unnecessary to repeat it."

This is why itís so important to clearly define your objections for the letter before and while youíre writing it and to ask yourself how your husband might receive or interpret it before you give it to him.

What Your Letter Should Include

A well crafted letter will uplift a marriage and everyone involved, even if an affair has happened. But you've got to be careful what you write. Because as you've seen from the example above, a well intended letter may actually miss the target and set the marriage back instead of moving it forward. The true power of your letter shines forth when you clarify and misconceptions or misunderstandings that the two of you had as well as outline your intent and plan for moving forward. A letter written the right way can and will set the tone of your marriage and its recovery for the next few weeks and months.

As an example, rather than just spouting off about the affair and how it's affected your life, you might want to include some details about how you would like to move forward and then outline what you need for that to happen and how. Your letter should contain 3 parts - your current feelings, your current needs and your future intentions. It's understandable that you'd want to include some information about how the affair has affected your life, but don't make that the sole focus of the letter or else you won't get what you need from your husband.

It's ok to focus on your feelings in the letter, but once that part's done, outline exactly what you need from him in the coming weeks and months. If you need more reassurance, accountability or affection, the letter is the perfect time and place to ask. It's easier to put these things in writing sometimes, especially when we've been deeply hurt. But the best thing for both parties involved is that it's written down and documented so your husband can refer to it again and again any time he has questions about what you need from him to move forward in your marriage.

Lastly, spell out your intentions moving forward. Most husbands have no idea what their wives need from them after an affair. So if you want to save your marriage after an affair, take time to write down your feelings and expectations for your husband that tell him exactly what you need and how he can help get you there.


Now you know how to write a letter to your husband and tell him how you feel about the affair. The next thing you need to do is help him understand what you need and expect from him. Learn how to do that here .

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